I kept tossing and turning al night on my bed. The night got too long, aIl I wanted was to close my eyes and stop thinking. Thinking the impossible. Or perhaps maybe never wake up again! I hated my life like I hated God.
“Jack” is the name that kept ringing in my ears. I wanted him beside me badly. The way I longed for a good real smile. I wanted to hold him in my arms and feel his heartbeat, kiss him the exact way I saw some cute guys on TV kissing last friday night – It was just beautiful and I wanted that with Jack.
I adored him but couldn’t get myself to go ahead, tell him about my feelings. What if he doesn’t feel the same, what if he sees me as a sinner? What if things just at once go completely wrong? The thought of these unanswered questions drove me insane.
I could not handle anymore of bad things in my life. It’s was already a mess! But not telling him still hurt…i told myself that I’m just a loser and I will end up alone in this lonely world. “Jack”? I softly called him. Hey babe…It’s almost eight, why are you still in bed? Come on, wake up. Jack responded. He then firmly hit me with a pillow.
I woke up feeling too lazy. I just wanted to jump back in bed with this amazing guy in front of me. My God… he was just too cute and he was right there with me. I absolutely had no uncertainty that he was the definition of perfection and happiness. Well, in my world. Being with him brought in great vibes. I’d suddenly feel like I could conquer the world, like everything from that moment on was always going to be fine.
He came closer and put his hands on my wests with the most beautiful smile ever. His eyes locked into mines. During this time, all I wanted was to disappear with him.
Head over to a faraway place with him, where it would just be me and him. He was staring at me with his most beautiful, sparkling eyes. I giggled… “What?” He politely asked. You’re the most amazing person on earth you know that right? I said to him with laughter. Hmhm…actually, I remember somebody once told me that. Jack laughed and held me tight, with his hands around my waist.
This moment felt totally amazing. It felt real, I didn’t want this moment to be over. I wish I could have frozen on the spot! He kissed me on the cheek. “That was before I really got to know you. Before I realized that you need somebody to protect you. A hero.” We laughed
and then he put his lips into my mouth and he just took me all the way to mars.
This moment he was mine, mine and only mine. The guy I’ve been crushing on for so long was right here! With me… kissing me and holding me. I mean this felt amazing. My heart literally had ceased beating.
I woke up, hearing a bang on my door. I just couldn’t believe it; I just couldn’t believe it at all. I didn’t want to believe it! I wanted to run. Run and run, then just disappear to thin air. Vanish away from what’s to happen. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.
Eventually I got angry, furious. Like so freaking angry. I wanted to just hit everything on my reach, the pictures aside my bed, the atlas, the mirror, everything. I was breathing faster and faster and too fast. My heart began beating again. Quit fast like I’d been running. This was too much.
“Max, I’m talking to you.” I heard her now, my mother. She was now inside the room. She was the one banging my door. I just wanted to scream and throw things at her. I said get up and go clean the kraal right now or you’re not having breakfast today believe me. She shouted angrily.
She continued …you lazy child. Am so sick and tired of.…. Max? she moved close to my bed. Max are you crying? What’s wrong? She asked me tenderly. Tears were rolling down my cheeks like rain.
For god’s sake I was eighteen, old enough not to cry in front of my mother but I just couldn’t help it. She just woke me up from my fairytale. The shit hurts too much. I just couldn’t stop myself from crying. The more my mother kept asking me what was wrong, the more I cried to the extent of crying out loud.
She crawled on my bed and looked at me. She was hurting too. She had never seen me this messed up before. I’d often appear as strong. This was a first time openly emotional. Having a melt down rather.
I became as weak as a paper. She held me in her arms as I cried louder. She held me tighter as if I was still that six year old boy that used to sleep on her lap every time she lied on the mat. She would comb my hair and we would laugh and laugh.
But now I was all grown up, eighteen. Time flies. I had to stop this nonsense. I was too old to be crying in front of my mother. But her warm embrace made me feel better and safe. Made me feel like I could still go out there and continue the fight that seemed impossible to win. But no strength was left in me.
She let go of me and looked at me. Do you want to talk about it? She asked with a soft voice. I shook my head saying no. I mean, she could never understand.
What if she starts hating me? I thought to myself. That I could just never handle. She was the only one person I loved and had left in my life. She cared for me, although sometimes we would fight a lot. My dad walked away on us when I was just ten. In the other hand, my mother’s family and mother had never had a very good relationship. Like ever!
They regarded her as a big disappointment to them just because she did not complete high school. We were an embarrassment to them. Every time when visiting grandpa, the issue was about it that we just decided not to visit them anymore. We cut contact with them and it was better that way.
It was just me and her. Maybe from time to time with Janet, the house keeper. She was all nice and I liked her. I could not lose her too, my mother.
I had read some scary stories online about people being disowned just for feeling what I was feeling, just for being different. My thing with Jack. I dint want that from mother.
“Ok”… She said while getting up from the bed. Whenever you need to talk, you know I am always here. Just remember my boy, you are amazing and don’t ever let nothing break you down. Now… come down stairs whenever you’re ready for breakfast, Janet will clean the kraal don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine OK? She said as she walked to the door.
“Yes mom, I will be just fine, don’t worry. I responded with a low volumed voice whilst wiping my face dry. Good… She said as she went out of the room.
I breathed out hard. It was all just a dream. Everything about Jack was just a dream. I had to face reality, I hated my life. For how long is this going to keep happening though? Don’t I deserve to be happy? Don’t I deserve to be loved? Why can’t I get what I want for once? I asked myself.
But hey, it is all me. I am a coward, why can’t I just go and tell him how I feel? It is all me! I answered myself. But man… I damn was scared. What if things went wrong? What if he just wouldn’t understand? I was confused, i really dint know what to do.
This moment was the worst ever. I just wanted everything to end. I was tired of hurting, crying and pretending. I wanted to be free but no even a single candle lighted up for me to give me hope.
About The Author
Jack Phillip Banga Is a 20 year old writer from Malawi. A country without gay rights to date. Since the day he came to term with his sexuality a lot of things changed for better. Jack went through staff, leading him to become passionate about writing and influences much of his writings. Writing is his muse. Get in touch with him here: firstname.lastname@example.org