This letter was actually supposed to be sent a decade ago, tried all these past years but couldn’t live with the guilts of possibly spoiling the families “Profile”. Lately I’ve been dodging your phone calls simply because i have reached my lie limit, actually exceeded it. Lying, not only to you but most to myself and now sitting here all by myself inside these high scary, empty walls on detention for kissing my boyfriend goodbye. I’m extremely concerned that how will this sink in your head.
After a decade of living a lie, resulting to being weak for enduring all the pain and nightmares coming with it, drained out by the choice i made for your sake (my safety), till today you always tell, rule, choose, talk and think for me, early last year, you pushed me choosing my weeding date! But that was an instruction i followed, you never considered asking if i even wanted that. Should i buy the “allowance” to also free my opinions and express myself? Everything is always decided for me, leaving me with no choice but to go on with it (as i was taught to respect at all times by you). I respect and thankful for having you in my life but you’ve been making me live the life you want, do, say and acts according to you. Do i really deserve to be stuck in your visions? What about my vision?. Almost all our conversations requested a simple yes or no answer from me, you never wanted to hear my thoughts, what were you scared of?, certainly you knew and know exactly what you’re dealing with and dodging to face.
As I’m locked in this room, punished for only a innocent goodbye, at least now I’m free from being ruled and instructed by you. Well, i have gained courage to explore, be myself. The harm from allowing to be exploited and lying to myself has caused deep scares in my heart, but when you receive this letter half of them will disappear.
I did not make a mistake, the reason I’m on detention is because we were apparently saying our goodbyes in a “Non-Gay people” park, our deeds were considered as offensive on the public. It’s no surprise that I’m gay to you all, the only surprise is that I’ve finally got courage to express, stand up for myself and break out the shell. I could be a disappointment to you after everyone was hiped-up about me being a father, that i did for you (one of the instructions i followed). Honestly, i never loved “her” (the mother of my child), i only appreciated how she perceive things in life and obviously her fierce sense of fashion :). i got blinded by all the girls ogling me, never attracted to them but the attention.
I’ve been empty all these past years, living a lie but today i see the light, future, not only because I’ve found the courage to be myself and the love of my life (him), but because i feel revamped, whole, I’m happy i got the courage to break out the shell, now i will live effortlessly not following any of your instructions. I’ve never been this happy, feels like I’ve finally putted on my shoe size 🙂 everything fits together now. I had no idea how to show my true being cause i had no chance to tell you these past years. I’m deeply sorry for all the lies i did and said, i pray you will find it in your heart to forgive me. I suppose i got used on making you happy.
As I’m coming home this summer, can i bring my boyfriend over?, i want you to meet him. After a decade, 10 awful, sad and traumatic years of my life, not wasted because i believe everything happens for a reason, i finally can be myself.
Sincerely I’m GAY.
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